For the Honest Abes or the Honest Babes, whichever you prefer:)

happy halloween, to my Oklahomies and others!:)  Let me just start off by saying, I'm not the biggest fan of this particular holiday, but I can't wait for Halloween when I'm a mom to make my little munchkins dress up like little, baby bears.  Oh 'em gee I can't wait!  But I can... you know how it goes.  Anyway, it has been too stinkin' long, but life has luckily begun to slow down just a bit -- just in time for the most wonderful time of the year!  The holiday season is just around the corner, and I can't freakin' wait!  But for now, here are a few things that have been filling my life with so much joy and wisdom recently and just might do the same for yours...

Abba's Child by Brennan Manning

She Is by Ben Rector

puppies -- always, duh

Community of Jesus podcast by Tim Keller

Your Plans: God's Plans podcast by Tim Keller

The Wounded Spirit podcast by Tim Keller

Praying Our Tears podcast by Tim Keller

Dave Barnes Christmas album -- preview one of my faves here

Running with my favorites KorKor and Snat

Beautiful Exchange by Hillsong

S'mores Cookies made by the best cookie-bakers ever Amy Jo and Chris

Antibiotics for icky ear infections

Hazelnut Coffee from Panera

Prayer Journaling

Warm Clothes

Salted Carmel Hot Chocolate from Stars

Your Hands by JJ Heller

Your Love Will Never Change by Dave Barnes

Life chats with precious friends whom I don't deserve

Nightly pillow talk with the best-est friend in the WWW

(whole wide world -- not to be confused with world wide web)

All that being said, the past few weeks have been filled with love, laughter, joy, tears, forgiveness, pride, humility, reconciliation, and freedom.  I know I always say this, but I hardly know where to begin to share what all the Lord has been teaching me the past few weeks/months.  I'm probably going to have to stretch this out into a few separate posts because otherwise this could potentially be the length of HP7 minus a great deal of excitement and adventure.

And let's be real, I could never even begin to do justice to the legacy of one of the greatest dream teams to ever walk the planet.  So I'll try and spare you that one... :)

But I guess if I could share just one thing that could basically encompass all of the month of October, it would be a seemingly trite but profound word that is redefining everything about my life -- honesty.

Yep, that's it, honesty.

Of all the things that the Lord has been teaching me lately, it is to simply be honest -- real, authentic, and genuine before others, before myself, and undoubtedly before Him.  I have the gross tendency to experience pain or feel hurt and want to cry or grieve, but instead I will literally speak over myself, "Get it together, Caitlyn."  I tell myself that I shouldn't feel upset or hurt or weak or troubled, but that discounts for the major fact that we were created with the full spectrum of human emotions.  We were created to experience all feelings -- all joys, all sorrows, all anxieties, because ultimately each one of those things always points us back to the cross.

As humans, I think we all have a tendency to live out of a false sense of who we are.  Instead of being real and honest about our sinfulness and hurts and pains, we put on this 'glittering image' -- as Brennan Manning describes it -- of a false reality of who we are in attempt to mask the people we truly are.  And we do this, I think, out of fear that in exposing the reality of who we are, we will find ourselves loved by no one, completely rejected, and alone.  

So we look to our accomplishments and successes, our friendships, our jobs, the way in which others view us, our strength, wisdom, piety, purity, love, joy, peace, etc. and hope with every fiber in our being that those things will outshine the shadow of our darkness so powerfully, that no one will know the darkness even exists.  Sometimes we can do this for so long that we ourselves even end up being deceived into believing that we really aren't that all that bad.  Or we get caught up in the game of comparisons -- well maybe I am sinful, but at least I'm not as sinful as _________.

Not only that, but sometimes we even identify ourselves in the way we hope others perceive us in attempt to stifle the fear.  We think, maybe if we don't admit it's real, it won't be.  Or  maybe it's that we don't (I don't) want to admit that I might be fearful of rejection or being alone because maybe that would reveal my weakness or my lack of trust in the Lord.  Or maybe I don't want to admit that I fear rejection because it would cause me to admit that in spite of everything the Lord tells me about what my identity is in Him, I still believe that there is something completely unworthy, unloveable, or unlikeable about me.

So I spend so many days trying to pile up all of this strength, when in reality, I'm as weak as a little lamb, desperately needing to be held by her Father.

Side Note: This weekend I went home, and the minute my daddy gave me a hug, I wanted to burst into tears.  There is something so special about being held by protective arms which you know will never leave you or forsake you and love you at all times.  It always amazes me when I consider how much my earthly father loves me and know that my heavenly Father loves me even more than that.  I can't wait to hug Him one day.  I know they say there aren't going to be any tears in heaven, but I feel like the minute I see Him, I will burst into tears -- for finally I will be united with the One who my soul longs for every freakin' day.

But back to this whole idea of honesty.  

Let's look at some scriptures... :)

"Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God and keep the vows you made to the Most High.  Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you and you will give me glory." 

-Psalm 50:14-15  

"You do not desire a sacrifice or I would offer one.  You do not want a burnt offering.  The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.  You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God." -Psalm 51:16-17

So I've been mulling over how these two verses go together and what it looks like to offer sacrifices of thankfulness and brokenness before the Lord and what that really entails.  Now I am not an expert on Scripture by any means whatsoever, but I believe that we are instructed to come before the Lord and make thankfulness our sacrifice before Him, because in giving thanks -- honest thanks -- we are required to recognize and honestly admit who we are before the Lord.  We can thank and praise God for all He is and for all He has given to us, but when we are truly honest with ourselves about who we are -- that no one is good, for we are all sinful from the moment we were conceived -- there is suddenly so much more for which we can give thanks!  Not only do we want to praise Him for all He has given us and done for us but because we innately understand there is nothing we did to deserve it. 

Thankfulness and brokenness go hand in hand.  We cannot truly understand the magnitude of the thanks and praise we owe to the Lord until we understand the magnitude of our brokenness and depravity.

But with the Gospel of grace, there is always more to the story; for with honesty, comes FREEDOM.

oh sweet freedom.

It's interesting because sometimes we can be enslaved by fears or things or thoughts or people, and we don't even know it until we're free.  We don't even know the how heavy they are until they're suddenly lifted off of our shoulders -- by the power of Christ alone.

It is my prayer that we would throw off whatever it is that is inhibiting us from living freely.  In Hebrews 12:1-3, Paul describes it like this, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.  For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Sometimes we do not even know what it is that is so tightly entangling us from running freely and experiencing freedom as the Lord intends for us.  If that is the case, I pray that the Lord would reveal whatever it is to us that we are allowing ourselves to become slaves to and  that then we would be obedient in throwing it off and allowing the Lord to heal us.  We were not created to live in chains or enslaved to sin.  Satan may be the master of this world, but as followers of Christ, we serve the King of the universe who has ultimate victory, who can break every chain.

Not only does He have the power, 

He already has the victory

over all things

even death.

His freedom is unlike any other.  It is the freedom to readily and willingly admit my darkness, my hurts and pains, my faults and failures, to fall to your knees and weep before His throne...  Because while you are there, in His rich, abundant mercy and grace He picks us up, holds us like only our Father can, kisses us on the forehead, and says, "I know, my child.  I know.  I know how weak you are.  I know your sorrows.  I've collected every one of your tears.  I've wept on your behalf."  Then He wipes away my tears and looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Don't you know?  Don't you believe how much I love you?  Don't you know how much you mean to me?"  And I can't look at Him.  I can't look at Him because I'm overwhelmed by my own sinfulness and shame.

And He softly says, "Though you are overwhelmed by your sins, I forgive them all."

With forgiveness, it isn't as though the Lord tells us we are forgiven but then continues to hold all of our wrongdoings over our heads.  We ask for forgiveness, and because our minds have a hard time fully understanding complete forgiveness, we go back to Him and ask, "But did you really forgive me for this, God?  Are you sure you can really forgive me for that?"

Rather puzzled, he looks upon us and says, "To what are you referring?  I don't remember."  His forgiveness is full, complete, and forever.

There is freedom in being honest with yourself and honest before the Lord.  This freedom allows you to experience what your true identity is in Christ, and it also compels others to be honest with themselves. Thus a community is formed -- the community of Jesus as it was created to be: honest, broken believers whose chains have been broken by Christ alone and have been set free.  And after experiencing such freedom, cannot help but want to set others free, as well.  This week may we come before the Lord and one another, completely honest about our brokenness and allow our brokenness to compel us toward thanksgiving because...

"the only eyes that can see you to the bottom, love you to the skies."

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

For the Learners

Ah, the sweetness of summertime.  This season, unlike any other, makes me want to jump, spin, dance, play, and frolic in the meadows like the mothership is calling me home.  In addition to filling me with some serious childlike joy, summertime also has an uncanny ability to open my eyes to so many new life lessons.  Maybe it's the fact that my mind is emptied of the many things that tend to consume it so while school is in session.  Yet then again, it might just be due to the lack of wind -- thoughts, ideas, and theories seem to just rest upon my shoulders amidst hot summer heat instead of breezing by as they so often do during the spring and fall when the OKLAHOMA winds come sweeping down the plains.

Whatever it is, it seems as though no matter the season, there are always more thoughts to be thought.  But then again, such is life -- bread to be bought, fish to be caught, fights to be fought (or not), snot to be shot (that's disgusting, my apologies), and lessons to be taught.  

Below you will find the top twenty-ish things in which precious people, places, and things have been teaching me this summer -- in no particular order.  Some things I'm learning for the first time, some I'm having to re-learn, and some I'm re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-learning for the 138298349873459871230987th time.  Let's just say, it's a reaaaaally good thing God is love, and love is patient because without his patience, I'd be up a creek without a paddle.

See now, that actually looks like the liiiife.  But my guess is that whoever first coined the phrase, "Up a creek without a paddle," was referring to a much coarser creek.

Nonetheless, we've all heard Danny and Sandy sing Summer Lovin', 

but here's to 

Summer Learnin'...

1. I wouldn't mind living in an enchanted forest or secret garden one day.  Thank you, beautiful photos and green grass for always making me remember that the great outdoors are a perfect picture of  LIFE in its purest form.

2. I have yet to fully get over my fears.  Special thanks to cars, airplanes, tornadoes, world disasters, and loved ones not picking up their cell phones for reminding me of what a mess I am and that my heart has not yet been perfectly formed in love -- for where love is, fear won't tread.  More thanks to the apostle John, Dave Barnes (strange video but good version of the song), and the Holy Spirit for pointing out my sinfulness and prompting me to pray for a trusting heart daily.  Thank you, Lord, for never giving up on me.

3. Pinterest rocks.

Thank you, bestie Hales, for supplying me with an incredible source of inspiration, travel ideas, photos worth a thousand words, and crafting tips to last maybe not forever, but a really lengthy amount of time.  

Also, just want to suggest everyone read Miss Hudson's incredible work "Unlikely and Unworthy, Yet Chosen by God," which she wrote for a class this past semester, featuring the lives of Ruth, Rahab, Bathsheba, and Mary.  Such a precious reminder that while we are all icky messes, God not only loves us but chose us to be included in His forgiveness, love, and the only hope that will last into eternity.

4. Life is only as awkward as you make it.  I used to find this encouraging until I realized that I make many a situation incredibly awkward.  Thus I suppose the theory is valid just not one I have continued to tell myself or awkward others like me.  Props to Courtney Kib for pointing that one out -- you're the best.  Also special thanks to Courtypoo for putting up with my immaturity and silliness every day this summer.  No better wombmate than you, girl.

5. Jane Austen is undoubtedly the most eloquent author I've ever read.  With brilliance and wit, she possessed an uncanny ability to perfectly capture the sentiments of the human heart, and furthermore, she wrote in such a way that made even the simplest of conversations seem like the grandest of adventures and the wisest of truths become plain as day.

"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment." -Pride and Prejudice

Not only would I like to express my thanks to Jane but to Mr. Darcy for A. stealing my heart and B. reminding me that while I'm going to think my husband is the greatest, manliest, godliest, funniest, coolest, outdoorsy-est, wisest fella out there, he is going to be completely, utterly HUMAN and sinful -- just like me.  That being said, I don't even know who he is, but I know he's going make me cry some days.  I'm a crier.  He might even mortify my pride on the first evening of our meeting, just as Mr. Darcy did to Elizabeth.  And I'm confident I'll make him pretty dang angry on occasion.  We're going to get in disagreements.  We're going to make lots of mistakes.  But at the end of the day...
 that is the kind of life I want.

I want to crawl in bed every night and ask for forgiveness and hear someone say, "I forgive you."  (We'll have to get in bed pretty early because that'll probably make me wanna make out and then some -- just bein' honest.)  Our lives will never be perfect.  They won't be written about in a book or created as the next-best motion picture.  But our lives -- our life together -- I pray will be a picture of the GOSPEL -- brokenness and forgiveness sealed by a kiss of unconditional love.

6.  Two things I'll never get sick of -- coffee and Bon Iver.  Muchas gracias a mi madre y mi padre para siempre keeping the coffee pot full and the state of Wisconsin for being the birthplace to such a stud.  And if you haven't heard this a cappella version of For Emma, stop everything and listen RIGHT NOW.  Holy mmmmmmm can't get enough of it.

7. Scrunchies shouldn't have ever gone out of style.  Join me.  I'm bringing 'em back.  Thank you, Kirbs, Annabelle, Annie, Autumn, and all the other scrunchie-lovers at Council Road!

8. Theories as to why things are the way they are aren't nearly as important as the truth every theory is pointing toward.  Thank you, CS Lewis and Mere Christianity.

9. Actions speak louder than words.  Thank you, Holy Spirit, for reminding me what pain my actions cause you when they fail to depict my love for you and all of the people I love so dearly.  And thank you, that even when I am a brat and hurt your feelings, your love for me is constant, unceasing, and truly impenetrable.  Nothing can separate us from it. -- Thank you, Jesus, Romans 8, Dave Barnes, Chris Quilala, Jon Foreman, and Ben (who comes home from CHINA this month--PTL!) who reminded me of 'I Will Not Take My Love Away' by Matt Wertz.  Now then, my suggestion: light a candle, listen to all of those songs, and rest in the truth of the love of the Father.

10.  Apart from shimmering starlight, sunsets are the greatest blessing to the end of the day.

Thank you, Jesus, for always knowing exactly what we need.

11. Everywhere I look 

there are places I want to go, 

things I want to see, 

coffee I want to drink, 

people I want to meet.  

The world is full of incredible beauty, 

and I want to experience all of it.  

Seriously though, let's go.  Who's with me?  One of my besties, Snattt, is in Lebanon right now!  So jealous.

12.  I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life.  Thank you, indecisiveness.  My sentiments for you will be left unsaid.

13. Skip -- Sorry, I'm superstitious occasionally.  Thank you, my freakishly-weird anxiety.  Love you about just as much as I love indecisiveness.

14. A little dreamin' blesses the soul with some good therapy.  Thank you, daydreaming (paired with a cup of coffee) for doing me just as much good as a week-long escape to Tahiti by route of balloons.

I'm kind of kidding.  I think the whole Tahiti/balloon combo might be a bit better than daydreaming, but for my current stage in life and lack of monetary funds, daydreaming suits me just fine.

15. Live courageously.  Thank you, Elizabeth McKenna, Juliet, Dawsey Adams, Kit, and all the characters from The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society.  If you haven't read this, buy a copy immediately or ask to borrow mine -- absolutely incredible.  Now if I can just go to Guernsey one day...

16. "It's a sucky life, and just when you think it can't suck anymore does."  Thank you, Phoebe Buffay.

Part of what makes the juxtaposition of faith and the reality of the world we live in so difficult to comprehend is that we can envision what life should be like in our minds.  We can envision a world in which everyone treats one another with respect, a world in which there isn't pollution, sex-trafficking, abortion, rape, murder, addiction, etc.  We all have this engrained sense of rightness in our beings -- CS Lewis talks about this extensively in Mere Christianity, as well.  And because we all have this inherent sense of the way things ought to be, we also instinctively know that the world isn't as it should be.

That is the reality though -- the reality we face on a daily basis.  I talk all the time about the fact that everyone is experiencing or has experienced pain of some kind.  And maybe for some people, they've experienced literal, unbearable, physical pain.  But for the majority of us, I'm referring to an emotional pain that can be so lethal, it can cause us to lose feeling completely.

It doesn't make sense.  So much about life won't -- EVER, until we're in heaven, that is.  There may be certain prayers we pray that we never see come into fruition.  There may be hearts that we so long to see healed that never come to understand the unconditional love and forgiveness found in Jesus.

May we never forget that no matter where we go, He is with us.  Lest not forget this most important truth, hold it close to our hearts, and not lose sight of the magnitude of its validity... Wherever we go, whether in sun or shade, whether we're joyful or broken, weary, tired, sick, hopeless, overwhelmed, anxious, fearful, doubtful, or uneasy...  Whether we're weeping or filled with laughter, in India or England or Sweden or Zambia or Israel, wether we're alone or surrounded by ten-thousand people, HE WILL BE WITH US.  WE cannot escape His presence.

"You cannot escape my love.

For I created you, my child.

I know every detail about your life --

your favorite things,

your most hidden sin,

your fears,

your desires.

I know them all.

I know when you sit and when you stand.

Perhaps, my child, ee cummings said it best,

that wherever you go,

i carry your heart.

i carry it in my heart."

17. Few things can make my heart fly all-a-flutter like fireworks and sparklers.

Thank you, America, for adopting such a fabulous celebratory holiday like July 4th.  Thank you, Founding Fathers, for believing in the necessity of liberty, freedom, and justice for all.  Thank you to the newly married couple, Russell and Nicole Brown, for having sparklers at your beautiful wedding and glorifying the source of all our light.

18. As much as I love crafting, I'm pretty bad at it.  Thank you, dresser drawers and spray paint for teaching me not to take off the little white contraption from which the paint sprays out of.  My paint-stained fingers are especially appreciative.

19. "If you don't want your babies, give them to me."  Thank you, Mother Teresa, for showing us what it truest human example of love looks like.

20.  "Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path.  And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.  Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.  If you think that you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself.  You are not that important. [...]  So do not grow weary in doing good for at the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we do not give up or quit."  -Galatians 6:1-3, 9

Thank you burdens that even though you are heavy, we do not have to bear them alone!

That's all for now.  More to come.  All my love!