For the Giddy and the Heavy-Hearted Alike

merry, merry Christmas, ya'll!  The time has come.  The stockings are hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon will be here!  The packages have been wrapped with shiny bows and red ribbons and any crawling out of bed is now strictly forbidden.  But in a mere couple of hours, just after dawn breaks, we'll hear echoes around the world of, "Wake, wake!  Wake, Wake!"  Kids of all ages will joyfully gather near twinkling trees, as Mommy and Daddy stagger into the kitchen, "First, just one sip of coffee...!"

 I've always been partial to Christmas, as I'm sure many of us are.  There is something magical about it all -- the sparkly lights, joyous music, crackling fires, families and friends coming together, and the exchanging of gifts all in celebration of the birth of our Savior King Jesus.  Yet I've noticed my heart has been somewhat heavy the past few days.  How?  How in the world?  It's CHRISTMAS, for crying out loud!  I love Christmas.  Christmas is my favorite.  It's the most wonderful time of the year!

  So I've found myself asking, what is it?  How can we come to this most joyous holiday with the heaviest of hearts?

I feel like this is one of those moments where I would be sitting in a nursing home, seeking the wise counsel of an elderly couple.  I'm pretty sure they'd turn to each other, smile, and softly say, "Mmmm life..."

We all come to Christmas -- the season and the day itself -- with hurts and pains, hardships and brokenness from the past 358 days.  In some cases, we come to Christmas with wounds from the past 7,160 days -- maybe 21,900 days, you never know.  Some things perhaps we have dealt with, and other things we haven't.  So much is brushed under the rug or stored away in a secret glass jar which no one can touch let alone simply see.  While each individual's story varies at great lengths, I've lived enough (though very little at that) to know one cannot live too many days on this earth without experiencing sorrow.  Any number of days can result in any number of scars.  

We say hurtful, spiteful things to one another.  We act with contempt and arrogance.  We find our value in what others think of us and wind up feeling completely insignificant and insecure.  We allow anger and bitterness to control us.  We scour the world for any possible something that could satisfy our hearts' desires and sooner or later wind up eating from the same trough as the pigs.  We follow our own wishes, seek our own ways, desire our names are made great above all else.  We willingly destroy the bodies and minds we've been given under the guise of, "I just can't help it."  Alcoholism.  Sex.  Porn.  Drugs.  Perfectionism.  Performance.  We want what we want, when we want it, how we want it.  "My will be done," my life often seems to convey.  We vie for attention and recognition, and we're frustrated and confused when all that we sought wasn't quite what we'd hoped it would be.

Others say hurtful things to us.  Not only do others say hurtful things, sadly some people do very hurtful things.  The world hurtful doesn't even come close to depicting the depth of some of these deep-rooted wounds.  Physical abuse.  Verbal abuse.  Sexual abuse.  Rape.  Genocide.  Murder.  Neglect.  My heart breaks as the list goes on and on.  As if the brokenness we experience in our relationships isn't enough, we experience brokenness in our circumstances.  Unemployment.  Divorce.  Death.  Suffering.  Homelessness.  Hunger.  Cancer.  AIDS.  Poverty.  Terrorism.

Yet I still want to put on my favorite shade of red lipstick (Burt's Bees Rasin), my classiest set of pearl earrings, a brand new sparkly dress, and act like everything's "better than fine -- perfect, in fact.  I live in the Leave-it-to-Beaver house everyone wants.  I go to church every Sunday.  Yes, I have problems, but they don't affect me.  I make casseroles like Martha Stewart, workout with Jillian Michaels, lead like Margaret Thatcher, and serve like Mother Teresa.  And you know what, I'm married to a guy who looks like Ryan Gosling, works like J.P. Morgan, and lives just like Christ."

Again I picture the elderly couple -- they're holding back the laughter.

We know that isn't reality.

But gosh dangit, why is that so hard to come to terms with?  I know it's not the reality, but I want it to be.  I want to be fine.  I want to shut everything that's ever gone wrong in my life or the world around me in a cedar chest, stick it in the attic, take a deep breath for composure, and head downstairs to host the loveliest Christmas dinner the fam has ever seen.  But it just doesn't work like that.  I've tried, though it seems there isn't a big enough chest for the long haul.

Now I don't want to generalize because I have no idea where ya'll are at, but if I'm honest with myself, my frustration and heavy-heartedness aren't particularly rooted so much in the world's lack of perfection but in my neediness.  I'm so often heavy-hearted because I'm so needy, yet I'm so quick to deny my need.  "If I admit I need help with one thing, I might realize I need a lot more help than I thought, and I don't need help.  I don't need anything or anyone.  I'm self-sufficient, driven, and determined.  I'm fine."  False.  I'm in deep need.

As I am willing to admit my need, surprisingly the very thing I thought would constrain me, sets me free.  "Lord, I'm a mess.  I am weary and broken and sinful.  I'm so sinful.  I have broken countless times either the letter or the spirit of every one of God's Ten Commandments.  I am so often fearful, self-seeking, prideful, arrogant, rude, angry, bitter, selfish, selfish, and oh-so selfish.  I've been hurt by others, and I've inflicted hurt to others in my insensitivity and -- "

It's almost as if He stops me right there and takes me back to the field...

"And the angel said to them, 'Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.'"

And all of the sudden, everything else seems to fade further into the distance.  The sin, the pain, the suffering, the heartbreak and brokenness, they're all still there, but they're no longer at the forefront of my mind because He is here.  Jesus has come.  Our loving, faithful Father has provided an answer to all of the questions and problems and lies we've ever believed.  

Jesus.  

Though we were sinful, He came.  Though He knew we would mock and reject and disdain Him, He came.  Though He knew we would inflict pain upon Him to the point of death, He came.  In His deep, unfathomable love and grace, He came willingly.  

He came for us.  

Jesus came that we might know that when the Bible says God has loved us with an everlasting love, we can believe every word.  We can trust that God loves us more than we could ever imagine because He was willing to give up what was most precious to Him for the lousiest of the lousiest group of scoundrels.  Jesus came so we could know God and experience relationship with Him in the way He intended.

But the story doesn't end there.  With humility, obedience, and victory, Jesus came and lived the perfect life we never could.  He was fully man and fully God.  He never sinned, even though He was tempted by Satan himself.  Jesus genuinely loved people with His whole heart.  He always put His Father first, always thought of others before Himself, and was perfect in every way.  

Yet, He took our place.  It’s this idea of substitutionary sacrifice.  We're sinful, and the God says in the Bible that the wages of sin is death.  So that's the way it goes.  We deserve to die.  

But though we deserved to die, Jesus took on the punishment for our sin on the cross and bore the very wrath of God for us, so we wouldn't have to because He loves us.  We don't have to be perfect because Christ has been perfect on our behalf.  We are able to confess our neediness, and He meets us right where we are -- always -- because He didn’t just die.  Jesus died and rose from death. And in His resurrection lies the entire basis of our faith. He defeated sin and death and was triumphant. And if we confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised him from the dead, we are SAVED.  We have salvation -- the promise of life with God forever and ever and ever and ever.

As if that isn't incredible enough...!  Through trusting Christ, God has given us not only salvation, but He has flooded our hearts with His light.  He has made us new and adopted us into His family, where we have become sons and daughters of the Most High King.  He has given us the Holy Spirit to live within us, to assure our hearts that we are never, ever, ever, ever, ever alone.

 All the grace, all the forgiveness, all the redemption, all the security, all the comfort, all the peace, all the joy, all the stability, all the hope we could ever need and more is found in Christ.  God has provided for us in Christ everything.  We don't have to stuff all of our pain and sorrow and sin into our cedar chests and throw them in the attic, because Jesus identifies with us in our weakness.  He understands the depth of brokenness in our world because He experienced it Himself.  Our circumstances will constantly be in flux, but He will never change.  He is our constant.  In Him, we always find rest for our weary, hurting souls.

Because Jesus came, died, and rose again, we are forgiven and redeemed.  Our sins are washed white as snow.  We are made new, and God has given us the perfect big brother who never leaves, always protects, always provides, always encourages, always sacrifices, always serves, always saves, always teaches,  and always loves.  Christ has committed to sanctifying us and preparing us for our home in heaven until we greet Him at the pearly gates.  

Jesus told us the truth that in this life, we will experience trouble and sorrow, but to take heart, for He has overcome the world. Though we will continue to experience hurt and sin in the world, we now always have reason for deep, abundant joy!  Furthermore, He promised that there will be a day when all the bad things will come undone.  He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and death will be no more.  Neither will there by any mourning, nor crying, nor pain any more, for the former things will pass away.  For He is making all things new.

To think it all began in a manger...!

Turn on some Christmas carols, deck the halls with boughs of holly, sing sweet Silent Night because our Savior has been born -- Christ the Lord!  We were lost, but now we're found.  We were blind, but now we see.  Thank you, Lord, for the best gift we could ever receive.

Praying your holiday season is full of Jesus.

Take heart.  He's here.  He loves you.

For the Runners and Walkers, the Bikers and Hikers, and of course, the Sitters, Knitters, and Quilters

happy freakin' weekend, sweetest friends.  It's a beautiful day outside, and I'm happy to be alive -- exhausted, somewhat overwhelmed, emotional but so incredibly blessed.  I hope yall had such great Spring Breaks and Easter holidays and whatever else you've been celebrating recently -- birthdays, marriages, anniversaries, engagements, all the above!  Last night, we celebrated our last Theta date party for the semester (and my college experience -- ahhh)!  It was so fun, and a great one to end on.  I seriously cannot believe that a mere three weeks from today I will be an official college graduate.  Honestly it kind of makes me want to say some choice words that are probs not blog appropriate, so we'll just limit it to ... what the heck!!?

In a few weeks when it's all said and done, I have great intentions of spending lots of time in prayer, reflecting over all of the lessons the Lord has so graciously taught me in college and posting a few of them on the good, old blog.  This is because recently I've found myself saying quite frequently, "If only I would have known then what I know now..."  And lemme tell ya, now I don't even know much at all, but ohhhh the things I have learned the past four years.  But whatever little wisdom I do have, if I can share it with someone and it might save him or her some pain -- Praise Jesus!

But for the time being, I feel so compelled to give glory to my Father in heaven and share with yall a little bit about what the Lord has so relentlessly been putting on my heart.  Know I say relentlessly because it takes me about 39,384,729,813,984,023 times to learn things, so He has to be relentless.  Praise Jesus that He never gives up on us.  He's my hero.

Here it goes!  Okay so almost five-ish months ago, I decided it would be a good idea to run the Oklahoma City Marathon.  I don't run.  I mean I do, but I'm not a runner.  I wasn't born to run, so to speak.  In fact, had someone told me a year ago I would be running 26.2 miles, I would have said, there's no way in hell.  Literally, no way.  Hard as I try, I could never do that.

It's funny to look back because I think I originally wanted to train for the marathon because I knew it would force me to be disciplined in keeping my body healthy.  There were other motives mixed in there like wanting to look good (just being honest), probably because it sounded cool and I struggle with always wanting to win the approval and affection of others (again very transparent), and to glorify the Lord.  But in all seriousness, seeking to glorify the Lord was not my whole-heart motivation.

But here's what I've found throughout the course of the past however many weeks that have been tainted with faithfulness and unfaithfulness on my part.  When it comes to the big things in life, there are no worldly factors motivating enough to get me to the end.  No amount of people telling me that I look good or saying, "Wow, that's awesome! You're so cool..." or whatever people say to marathon runners or people who do crazy, intense things would give me enough strength or comfort or joy or calm my nerves in a way powerful enough to get me through to the very end.  With those things alone, I couldn't do it.  I can't do it just by that motivation.  I've tried, and I fail miserably every single time.  The path gets longer and longer with no end in sight.

But there is something that does enable me to do it.  And it's not something, it's SOMEONE and His name is Jesus.  It is by His grace, His unmerited favor and love and strength and power and mercy that I can run not only the marathon but the entire journey of life.  It is only when I surrender and admit that I have nothing to offer -- that even my best efforts or best intentions which are often pursued in pride or in vain. It's only when I eat my humble pie and say, "Lord, I have not given this my best effort.  In fact, lemme just tell you, there is nothing in me that wants to run 12 miles tomorrow or 18 for that matter.  I'm weak.  I'm tired.  I don't feel good.  And honestly, I doubt whether or not I really can do it.  I know you're enough, but look at me.  I can't do it."

And literally guys, I'm brought to tears and have chills all over my body because Jesus looks at my fragile, clay self and says, Fix your eyes on me.  Your strength comes from my grace.  I am with you always.  You can't do it alone.  Rely on me.  Depend on me.  Know that I am enough.  I AM ENOUGH.  I bore the sins of the world on my shoulders.  There's nothing you can do to make me love you more, and there's nothing you can do to make me love you less.  You have my complete approval. You have my heart forever.  Every morning you wake up, I can't wait to bless you.  I can't wait for you to walk outside and see the trees and the flowers I grew just for you -- just so you would know how much you mean to me.  I'm not going to leave you to run the marathon on your own, are you kidding me?  I'm literally going to be with you every step of the way.  You will not be defeated.  No weapon formed against you will remain because I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU.  I will run with you.  I have always been with you and will always be with you.  I will hold you and support you with my victorious right hand.  Don't begin doubting whether or not you're going to make it to the end.  Again I say, FIX YOUR EYES ON ME, the author and perfecter of the faith who can't wait to heal you, help you, and supply your every need.  You are weak, but I am strong.  Rely on me.  Run in faith.  Run in faith and do not doubt for a second whether or not you'll finish because you will.  I will run with you.  And if you fall, I will carry you.

You see, I am rather independent.  I like to do things on my own.  I don't like to be tied down to other people or commitments, to be honest -- it's not particularly a good thing, but it's true.  And my selfish, sinful nature hates the idea of having to have someone carry me to the finish line or through life.  It says, "I want to do it on my own, and I can because I'm strong enough.  And I can do it."  But guys, I can't.  I can't do it on my own.

In John 15, it is written that Jesus said, "Apart from me you can do nothing."

I can't.

I can't do anything apart from Jesus.  Granted, I try sometimes, but the fact of the matter is I can't.

But relentlessly faithful in character, He says again...

Walk in faith.  Walk in faith, believing I will provide for you, not because you did anything to deserve my provision.  Not because you trained well or  represented me well for the kingdom of heaven but because of who I am.  I will be faithful to you ALWAYS.  You are precious to me.  I have loved you with an everlasting love.  No, you didn't do anything to deserve my love or to win my affections, you simply have it -- always and forever.  Don't just let me run with you.  Let me carry you.  Not only in the marathon but in every area of your life.  Fall into my arms.  Take the burdens off your back and lay them at my feet.  Take my yoke upon you, and in that I mean that I want you to trust me.  I will not simply light your path, I will go and prepare the path before you.  Believe in me.  Have faith that I am who I say I am... that I will never leave you or forsake you.  

Strength, love, kindness, mercy, friendships, family -- they're all grace gifts from God.  We have done nothing to deserve the blessings around us -- the trees, the stars, the smell of the air after the rain (I sound so earthy right now, I know).  But we haven't.  We must admit that we're weak -- admit that it is only by God's grace that we can and will make it through this life.  And it's not like he's just waiting at the finish line, cheering us on from heaven, He's running with us every step of the way.  May we BELIEVE it.  May we live it.  We never have to be afraid of the seemingly insurmountable obstacles ahead of us.  Because we know that no matter what is ahead, no matter what's inside of us, no matter what dire constraints we're in the middle of, He who is in you is greater than He who is in the world.  We have been given everything we need for life and godliness.  His promises are our shield and our protection forever.

May we STAND to see the SALVATION of the LORD in EVERY SITUATION, trusting that the battle is not ours but His.  We have victory in and through Christ ALONE.  May we take refuge in His protection and believe that HE WILL FIGHT FOR US -- not because of anything we have to offer Him or could offer Him -- but simply because of who He is and His deep, deep love for us.

Whether we're walking or running or biking or hiking or sailing or sitting or knitting, may we enter into all situations unafraid, confident, and REJOICING from the beginning because of how incredible our heavenly Father is.  And just to be honest and transparent in wrapping all this up if it hasn't been clear, I have messed up so many times in training for the marathon.  I haven't run as much as I should have.  I haven't eaten as healthy as I should have.  I've lacked lots of motivation on days.  I've been fearful and weary.  But Jesus doesn't care.  He knows my weaknesses.  And I BELIEVE and STAND ON THE TRUTH because of His gracious, unfailing, faithful, loving character, He's going to do it with me anyway.  And by His grace we will finish with VICTORY!  That truth isn't just true for me... It's true for all of us who relinquish control of our lives to our great and victorious God.  The battle has already been won.  

glory HALLELUJAH, JESUS!

For the Normal, Average, Anxiety-Ridden Souls

happy fun-day sunday, sweet friends.  The past few weeks have been a tad bit crazy what with lotsa fun holidays -- Valentine's Day, President's Day, Leap Day, all the favorites -- and silly adventures with people I love more than I could ever begin to say.  And soooo many more memories to come I might add, especially with the senior-year-spring-semester-bucket-list! As I frequently say, college is such a wonderful season of life, and it definitely forces you to grow up quite a bit -- if you allow that process to take place.  Toward the end, however, lemme tellya, it seems like it's a whirlwind what with so many decisions to make for the future.  At which point you realize, holy crappppp, Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore.

The real world is just around the corner, and something tells me the real world doesn't really look like The Real World we watched on MTV back in the day.  (And PRAISE THE LORD for that, I might add.)  While it may be full of drama and crazies, it's also full of wandering roads, seemingly life-altering decisions, love, tears, joy, sadness, memories, people, weddings, families, babies, adventures, bills, jobs, thunderstorms, surprises, puppies, kittens, fresh flowers, and more.

Although I'm gonna be honest, while there are many aspects of growing up, I think one of the most overwhelming parts of the real world ahead is the whole "seemingly life-altering decisions" part.

We've been in training the past twenty-some-odd years for these very decisions, and for some reason we think that if we make the wrong ones, life as we know it will come crumbling down faster than the walls at Jericho.  So we put all of this pressure on ourselves to know what we want to do with the rest of our lives because for some reason we think we have to have it all figured out.  We have to know all the roads to take and exactly where to make each turn -- and a bright and charming picnic packed for every rest stop.

Not only that, but for many of us, we freak out because not only do we not know what WE WANT to do with our lives, we don't know what the Lord wants for our lives.  So our blood-pressure rises a bit, our stomachs turn in knots, and we try to envision ourselves in the upcoming years of our lives.  We pray.  We seek wise counsel.  We read Scripture.  We try our best to examine our hearts and hope that somehow in all the prayer and introspection and wisdom being spoken into our lives, we'll figure it out.

Then we will make the right decision.  We'll find well-paying, enjoyable jobs, get married, start a family, and hopefully if we're wise and careful, we'll avoid almost any and all pain possible and be incredibly comfortable and life happily ever after all the days our lives.

Because after all, that's why we freak out, right?

We want to avoid the pain of making the wrong decision.

Or we are afraid that if we choose incorrectly, we'll be punished and end up in the belly of a whale just like Jonah in the middle of a tumultuous sea storm.

But in our feeble attempt to avoid pain and conflict and fear and all the seemingly icky emotions that rock the boat, we fail to rest and rely on the reality of who God is, who Jesus is, who the Holy Spirit is, and who we are in relation to the triune God we serve.

Jesus walked into pain.  With every step He took and word He spoke, He knew the destiny that lay before Him.  Just before it all went down, He was praying and sweating blood and said, "Lord, if there is any way you can take this cup of suffering away from me, please do it.  But above all, your will be done."  Jesus knew that He would meet a seemingly serious match upon the cross (death) but that He would overcome three days later, rising from the grave.

I listened to an incredible sermon by my one of my all-time-favorites Tim Keller the other day, entitled Praying Our Fears.  Listen up yall because the words I'm about to say in depiction of it will no where near do his sermon justice.  But what I walked away from it having learned was that Jesus is the SHIELD AROUND US.  Back in the day, shields that literally went around individuals were used in battles in which armies were specifically venturing into danger.  So when armies were getting ready to summit huge castle walls in attempt to take over the area, they'd use these shields that went all the way around their bodies.  And in Psalm 3, David tells us that the Lord is the shield around us.

aka...

We're going to walk into danger.

We're in the midst of it.

We live in a world where the enemy is alive and working to KILL, STEAL, and DESTROY.  We have an enemy.  He's not inactive or immobile.  He knows our weaknesses.  He knows what causes us to stumble.  He knows our doubts and pains and wants to use those to prove to us that the Lord doesn't really love us, that He doesn't really care, that He's too far removed from our lives in the heavens somewhere to really understand what's going on.

But wait...

Wait...

The Lord looks at us lovingly, with all compassion, all grace, all mercy and says...

I am the lion that goes before you and behind you.

I am the shield around you.

I am your healer.

your FATHER

your best friend

your bridegroom

your comfort

your strength

your counselor

I go before you always and make a way.

I am with you until the very end of the age.

You are my children.

If your earthly fathers know how to give you good gifts, how much MORE can I give to you?

I who created the heavens and the earth know everything about you.

I know all of your sins, all of your weaknesses, all of your fears, your failures.

And I love you no matter what.

I love you no matter what.

You are all fair, my love; there is no flaw in you.

My power is made perfect in your weakness.

I make all things new.

Nothing will ever separate you from me.

No one can ever snatch you out of my hands.

I hold your VERY life in my hands.

I'm not going anywhere.

I am ALIVE and PRESENT.

I have given you everything you need.

I am all you need.

Your strength will come in settling down in complete dependence on me.

Believe me.  

I love you.

Ultimately no matter where we go, no matter WHERE he calls us, no matter WHAT we walk through, no matter who comes in and out of our lives, the truth of Jesus ALWAYS REMAINS.  Jesus is ALIVE.  He is LIVING and WORKING.  Nothing catches him by surprise.  He is FOR US IN ALL THINGS.  We never have to be afraid of punishment or of the future or relationships or making ourselves better....

We simply have to surrender and allow him to work

TRUST that HE IS WORKING that HIS LOVE COVERS ALL THINGS

THAT WE ARE FORGIVEN

of all things

forever

forever

forever

No sin is too big for the Lord to forgive.

No miracle is too big for Him to work.

No hurt too deep for Him to HEAL.

No place too far for the Lord to take us or bring us back from.

We can surrender all things before Him.  We can relinquish complete control of our lives before the Lord because He is trustworthy.  We can trust Him because He is who He says He is -- our AbbaDaddy, always and forever.

Maybe you're a prostitute who has slept with too many men to count.  Maybe you're a man who has been married for 50 years and you're gay or you've had countless affairs with numerous women.  Maybe you're a murderer or you CONSTANTLY SEEK approval of others.  Maybe you're a slave to addiction or your body image.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, you are forgiven.

You are loved.

Your VALUE, your WORTH, your PURPOSE is found in Christ.

He REDEEMS ALL THINGS.

HE IS THE WAY to PEACE to LIFE to LOVE to FORGIVENESS to HEALING to WHOLENESS to FREEDOM.

We can walk in confidence, with joy and hope for the future, in resting in who JESUS is and who we are in Him... resting in forgiveness forever... grace forever... love forever... That He looks us in the eyes every morning and says, "Believe me.  Believe me when I tell you how much I love you.  I know you're afraid.  But I AM BIGGER.  I go before you and behind you.  Even when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it's merely a shadow.  Because remember, as my child, you never really die.  You live forever in paradise with me."

Praise the Lord.  Glory to God in the HIGHEST -- always and forever.

All my love!

For the People Like Me

happy tuesday, homies:)  I hope you're reading this having had an enjoyable week thus far -- maybe you're still snuggled up in your jammerz (jealous) or chillin' out max and relaxin' all cool ... shooting some bball outside of the school.  If yall are like me, a week ago today marked the beginning of the last semester of my college experience.  Not gonna lie -- I hate it.  I pretty much freakin' love college.  The University of Oklahoma has been pretty dang good to me.  Praise be to God!  It has been a crazy past three and a half years, but every second of it has taught me SO much.  

I'll stop there, but I can imagine you saw where that was headed -- walk down Memory Lane...  So I've been a bit sentimental/nostalgic lately...  I can't deny it.  Maybe you know how it goes...  I suppose it tends to be this way at every major "junction" in life.  You're finally taking some deep breaths and getting settled in when you realize your current road is coming to an end and you have to pick a new one.  It can be a little overwhelming, but as I said, such is life.  Good thing we're in it together.  Nonetheless, over Christmas Break, I was so lucky to venture to our nation's capitol with a few of my amigas to explore my future home for the next two years come June!  

It was so fun and exciting but also a little bit scary.  The east coast is just a little different, and let's be real, I am just an Oklahomie through and through.  I LOVE this state.  I love my family.  I love Johnnie's and the North and South Oval and walking around Lake Hefner with my mommy in the summertime, baking with my sissy in the winter, and playing tennis with my daddio in the spring.  I love having a church and a CVS on every street corner.  I love wide open spaces -- room to make your big mistakes, eh?  I love seeing the people who are so near and dear to my heart on a daily basis and sharing life with the best community on planet earth.  Oklahoma ROCKS.

All that being said, the Lord taught me some seriously life-changing things while I was in DC over the course of a mere four-ish days.  It's funny how you can just be walking along some big city street with tons of people around when the Holy Spirit snaps you back to reality -- ooh there goes gravity -- and everything seems to suddenly shift back into perspective.  

Here's how it all went down.  So as I said, I'm walking along Pennsylvania Avenue with Claire and LJ when I began thinking to myself, "Man, I wish DC was bigger," and "I wish I was going to be making more money and I could live in a nicer part of town," and "This is going to be so much harder than I thought it was going to be.  I'm not going to have any friends. Dangit, I'm never going to be successful."

Yep, it's true.  It's laaaame.  It's disgusting.  But it's real.  I really thought those things.  Instead of rejoicing over where the Lord placed me and all the ways He was affirming me in how I am supposed to be there, I started thinking, "Nope, this just really isn't what I expected.  This isn't really good enough for me."

But about that time, the Holy Spirit stopped me dead in my tracks.  Even recalling it this very second, I have chills all over my body.

"Cait," the quiet voice whispered,  "Thaaatt isn't what life is about at all."

>>Lemme just say, God is soooooooo gentle with us.  Sometimes I deserve a serious shake and firm stare-down directly from the heavens above, but He comes beside me gently and lovingly reminds me of the truth.<<

In that moment as the Holy Spirit and I were having a serious heart-to-heart, I realized that it seems so glamorous to move to some big city and work for a cool, hip corporation or organization joined with a social movement.  And know I'm not in any way trying to diminish the need or necessity for such organizations because they are so awesome and doing INCREDIBLE things for the people of our nation and world alike.  But when I'm honest with myself, I know some of my motives for wanting to be a part of Teach for America and move to Washington, DC were selfish, in that it's a big city and cool, and as I said, seems somewhat glamorous, I suppose.  But here's the reality...  

It's something we all know, something we've heard thousands of times, I'm sure, but until you really wrestle with it, until you really REALIZE how much your sinful nature desires the things of this world... whoaaa baby.

It doesn't matter where you live.  It doesn't matter what you're doing or how many friends you have or what kind of car you drive.  It doesn't matter how much money is in your bank account or what shoes you have on your feet.  Heck, when it comes down to it, it doesn't really particularly matter all that much in the long run whether you wear shoes or not at all.  It doesn't matter how many nick-knacks you have lying on your shelves or how many miles you can run or how many beers you can down or how many countries you've been to or how many people you've shared Jesus with.  It doesn't matter what you look like or who likes you or  whether your married or single or listed as "in a relationship" on the good, ole' FB.

Unless you seek to satisfied by Jesus Christ alone... 

You'll always be left wanting more.

It's a truth that literally almost brings me to tears.  And in this battle between our flesh and the Spirit inside of us, we are often times our own worst enemies.  Gosh, I don't know what it is for you.  I don't know if it's money or how much you weigh or your level of academic achievement or success or awards or sex or people or accomplishments... The things of this world are so fleeting and so unsatisfactory that none of them will ever fully satisfy us.  Maybe they will for a little while.  But not forever. 

So I guess life's rough and sometimes sucks and you'll never be fully satisfied, so what's the point?

the end 

see ya never

have a good night?

no stinkin' way

and PTL for that!

That's not the end of the story... And truly PRAISE the LORD it's not because that would be mayyyybeeee the ickiest story ever.  But that isn't the story we've been invited to share in -- that's not why we were created or how we were created or what we were created for.  Deep breaths, everyone.  Think soothing thoughts.

whew.

I don't know where you are in your life.  I can't say where your heart is or what you're struggling with.  And honestly, some of you might not even know yourselves.  Sometimes we don't really fully understand the things we're going through or how they're affecting us emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  But I want you to ask yourself these questions...

Did you ever think that attaining a certain goal would make you happier?

Have you ever thought that once you get married, life will be good to go?

You won't desire anything anymore?

Or if you could just make X amount of money, life would be so much easier?

Or if you only had more friends, that's when life would really be great...

Or maybe if you could just overcome these obstacles... 

Gosh, if you only looked like her... 

Or if you could just forget about the pain of my past... 

If you could only move on...

THEN!!! FINALLY!!!! 

happily ever after would come to life.

Life would be full of peonies, puppies, and pretty/little hearts.

Okay, so I assume most of us know that isn't the reality...

But at one point or another, I have said yes to many of these questions and soooo many more.  And to some extent these things are good.  It is so great to set goals and dream big dreams and want to move on from hurts and pains of the past.  It's okay to collect nick-knacks and get married and make money!  But when those things become what our eyes our fixed upon, the things we hope for and desire, they won't ever make the cut.  In fact, I'm convinced, the more we get, the more we'll want.  It's an ongoing, unending cycle and honestly can be pretty tough to get out of sometimes.

But COOLEST PART...  We were created with desires.  We were CREATED TO DESIRE.  We were created to seek comfort and joy and satisfaction and hope and love and peace.  We were CREATED to desire those things.  In fact, we were created to NEED these things.  We can't fully function in the way we were designed to function without them.  But contrary to popular belief, no amount of yoga will ever fulfill my need for peace.  I can't wait to be married and have a family one day, but my husband and children will never completely satisfy my need for love and affection and joy and comfort.  I won't be able to fully satisfy them either -- and PTL for that -- what a freeing truth and reason #59283410983 why Jesus MUST be the center of all relationships.

We were created to need and desire these things because there is something that can fulfill them.

It's Jesus.

JESUS!!!!

Jesus knows everything.  He knows our hurts.  He knows our failures.  He knows what we look to and go to, hoping that we find satisfaction or fulfillment.  He KNOWS.  And He offers us living water anyway.  He knows that nothing we look to will satisfy us, but He knows HE CAN and HE WILL.  That doesn't mean that there won't be times you still sin or fail or desire the things of this world -- we're human.  But with Jesus, we can walk into situations of unrest and have peace.  We can live in a world void of love and be loved by our heavenly Father -- our AbbaDaddy, as I like to call Him.  In a world where we cannot produce joy or hope on our own, JESUS produces a joy within us and gives us hope that none can surpass.  

Wherever you are, whatever you're going through, whatever you've been through, there is HOPE in finding fulfillment.  THERE IS HOPE in a broken and decaying world.  THERE IS LOVE and GRACE and MERCY and JOY and PEACE and KINDNESS.  There is LIGHT in the darkness.  But the only light, love, joy, peace, and hope that will last forever...  is Jesus.  

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.  If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud.  Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing." -CS Lewis

Glory, glory, glory to God in the highest for accepting us no matter what, for loving us no matter what, for calling us His children and never giving up on us.  Glory to God for allowing us to feel desire that we might also experience that desire being fulfilled.

We love you, Lord, and may we look to you for fulfillment and satisfaction, believing you alone will satisfy.

For the BELIEVERS

precious friends... :)  happy holidayyys!  It has been a while, but I hope each one of you found yourselves drifting off to sleep on November 24th with little tummies and hearts alike full of and from Thanksgiving!  I was so lucky to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with people I love so dearly, and that, in itself, was plenty to be thankful for though there are so many other things -- my cup overflows.  And now the most wonderful time of year is upon us!

As I'm certain many of you can relate, the past few months have been filled with busy schedules, papers, tests, work, friends, engagements, family, laughter, tears, love, peace, anxiety, sweet treats, books, joy, difficulties, decisions, emails, movies, TV on DVD, countless cups of coffee, phone calls, text messages, running, maybe a few letters here and there, and hopefully some late-night-pillow-talk with your bestie!  College is such a precious season of life, and I can hardly believe that it is a mere five months away from coming to a close.

I've made more genuine, loving, forgiving friends in the past four years than I ever thought humanly possible.  I'm so undeserving of them and undoubtedly do not thank Jesus enough for the precious people whom He has so gracefully allowed me to share life with these past few years.  Everything from living in the dorms to eating at the Caf to living in Theta and running down Chautauqua to spilling coffee on the way to class and drinking PTLs with the besties and biking around campus will forever be treasured in my mind.  Norman, Oklahoma is filled with so many vivid memories and so many more than my own.  Hundreds of thousands of lives have dwelt on this campus for over a hundred years.  As trite as it may sound, if walls could talk, I can only imagine the stories they'd have to tell.  But when I think of the stories that might be told of friends picnicking on the South Oval or pulling all-nighters at the Bizz during finals week or secret crushes in Microeconomics or tests taken in Dale or papers turned in at Gittenger or couples secretly (or not so secretly) makin' out in the Stacks, they're all special.

But what makes them even more special is when you connect the stories themselves to the people whom the stories are about.

Life in itself is so beautiful.  Creation is stunning and breathtaking, and so many times even a mere picture of the reality itself can move us to tears -- or me to tears at least (although we all know that isn't too much of a challenge).  How the universe works is mind-boggling, and I can't even attempt to begin to understand it.  I mean I could attempt, but let's be real, my efforts probs wouldn't be that fruitful.  Maybe your thing is the intricacies of how birds chirp and bees fly...  Or heck, I don't know, maybe you really like learning about chlorine or hydrogen or salinization or analyzing Shakespearian sonnets.  We're all special and unique in the things we enjoy.  But what is even more special than that...

is who we are.  

As cheesy as it sounds, what is most special about people is the heart behind their actions, the thoughts behind their words.  Think about the people you really love and the people who really love you.  You don't love them because they can name every species of caterpillar known to man.  Maybe you love caterpillars because they love caterpillars.  But I'd venture to say you love the people in your life because of something else -- something deeper.

You're special because of who you are -- because of what makes you who you are.  You're special because your heart and mind are uniquely yours.  For all the pain and joy dwelling inside of you, your story -- like mine -- is completely imperfect.  Yet the stories of all of our lives woven together somehow make something incredible.

For all of our hurts and pains and scars and joys and moments of sheer glee and freedom, while there is so much emotion (good and bad) tied up in those things, in reality, those are the things that have truly shaped us into who we are.  More so than that even, however, it is often the feelings we've experienced in life that allow us to relate to one another most deeply.  Shared experiences are so wonderful in fostering friendships, but more often than not -- it is the shared emotion from those shared experiences that bind us together in a beautiful way.  For even when the pictures of our lives aren't particularly pretty, when the stories of our lives lie next to one another, they're somehow so much stronger.

I always quote Frederick Buechner.  In fact, I've probably referenced this exact quote before, but it's my favorite... "The grace of God means something like this: Here is your life.  You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you.  Here is the world.  Beautiful and terrible things happen.  Don't be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you I created the universe. I love you.  There's only one catch.  Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you'll reach out and take it.  Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too."

I love that.  You're a part of the party.  Heck, we are in the middle of the party!  And I'm pretty confident that even amidst all of its pain and suffering, life is a stinkin' awesome party.  Thank you, Lord, for inviting us.  

So many times we can get so caught up with what we're doing rather than resting in who we are.  I can be so guilty of this at times.  But here is the beautiful part... You weren't invited to the party because of what you do but because of who you are and even more so because of who God is.  But even above the idea that life is a party and we're all invited (we just have to show up), maybe the coolest thing is that behind all the little stories that make up the overarching story of an individual's life, there exists the creator of all good stories Himself.

He has already given us the most meaningful story of them all.  And in regard to His story, He simply asks us to believe.  Behind that story was a man named Jesus and behind Jesus was God because Jesus is God.  Jesus said that by looking at himself we could know and have seen God. See John 1:14, John 1:18, and John 14:5-14.  So many times we create in our minds a picture of what God looks like based off of our own experiences with authority figures or our own fathers even.  But GOD IS PERFECT.  God is the PERFECT Father. He is the DIVINE creator.  He is our protector, our high priest, our daddy.  He is PEACE and LOVE and JOY.  He is beginning and end.  All the good jokes -- he came up with them first.  He forgives always even when we cannot forgive ourselves.  He is faithful even when we are not.  He never leaves us and will never leave us.  He is so complex that to even begin to describe Him would completely limit His power and the entirety of who He is.

And yet we have such a difficult time believing and trusting.  (We aren't alone -- it happened to Job and Moses too... For God's response to Job see there.  Wowzers.  And before then when Moses doubted God's ability to use him, God replied, "I AM WHO I AM."

It's like He says, "Get in the boat.  I will be with you wherever you go.  I know you can't do it.  I know you can't possibly understand how much I love you or all that I am doing, but you underestimate me so.  Oh and did you forget... I win.  I already won."

I want to be completely honest in that some days it is difficult for me to believe everything about God and the Bible.  Sometimes I don't understand why God allows certain things to happen.  Even in my own life when I can justify painful situations by trusting that God knows what is best and that all things work for his glory -- that often times doesn't make the situation any less painful.  But somehow simply knowing that He sees the bigger picture (He created it) gives me joy.  It gives me hope.

Trusting and believing who He is gives me hope for eternity, and it makes me want to dance and sing and frolic in the sunset like it's heaven on earth.  I'm pretty sure the only reason I have that hope is because I believe that God is the ultimate creator, and He sees the bigger picture.  He sees the WHOLE picture.  He sees it all.  And in those situations where I don't understand a dang thing or I'm so stinkin' confused about a decision or the way a situation is playing out or everything seems to be crumbling down around me... I can stand to see the salvation of the Lord, for the battle is not mine but His.  He will fight for us if we are only still.  He holds our lives in His hands.  As believers, we have been adopted into the family and are HIS CHILDREN.  And if we are His children, than we share in His inheritance.  We share in his glory, and we share in His story.

In Christ, this is our story: While we are completely sinful beings, we are made NEW.  By believing in Jesus, we are restored into the beings we were intended to be.  The best way I can describe it is that it's magical in a sense because we can't do it on our own.  But it isn't magical at the same time because it's Jesus, and that's just who He is.  He restores.  He makes all things new.  He never gives up.  And it isn't as though believing in Jesus fixes all of your problems or that you never screw up again because life is still hard and you (or at least I) still make sooo many mistakes.  But that new life begins NOW.  So it isn't like we have to wait to be hopeful or joyful until we get to heaven because we have the power of the Holy Spirit inside of us to be peaceful and joyful and hopeful and loving in ALL situations because HE IS ALL THESE THINGS ALWAYS.  As our lives are reflective of our stories, our stories thus ought to be reflective of the one who created them in the first place.  

And I'm convinced that when we BELIEVE and firmly FIX OUR HOPE on JESUS, that hope should make us want to bring hope to others... to bring love to others... to let them know that THEY ARE LOVED... that in Christ... they are NEW... not better... NEW... To walk into situations where people are hurting and bring peace and bring love and bring joy not by our own power but by the power of Christ living inside of us.

Believe this Christmas and forevermore that God is with you and for you.  He saves.  He hears.  He sees.  He heals.  He loves and forgives always and forever.  And He simply asks that we take Him at His word and believe.

"I pray that God, the source of hope will fill you completely with joy and peace because you believe in Him.  Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romans 15:13

"whatever is in front of me, I choose to sing hallelujah!"

glory, glory, glory

hallelujah

All my love:)