For the Giddy and the Heavy-Hearted Alike

merry, merry Christmas, ya'll!  The time has come.  The stockings are hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon will be here!  The packages have been wrapped with shiny bows and red ribbons and any crawling out of bed is now strictly forbidden.  But in a mere couple of hours, just after dawn breaks, we'll hear echoes around the world of, "Wake, wake!  Wake, Wake!"  Kids of all ages will joyfully gather near twinkling trees, as Mommy and Daddy stagger into the kitchen, "First, just one sip of coffee...!"

 I've always been partial to Christmas, as I'm sure many of us are.  There is something magical about it all -- the sparkly lights, joyous music, crackling fires, families and friends coming together, and the exchanging of gifts all in celebration of the birth of our Savior King Jesus.  Yet I've noticed my heart has been somewhat heavy the past few days.  How?  How in the world?  It's CHRISTMAS, for crying out loud!  I love Christmas.  Christmas is my favorite.  It's the most wonderful time of the year!

  So I've found myself asking, what is it?  How can we come to this most joyous holiday with the heaviest of hearts?

I feel like this is one of those moments where I would be sitting in a nursing home, seeking the wise counsel of an elderly couple.  I'm pretty sure they'd turn to each other, smile, and softly say, "Mmmm life..."

We all come to Christmas -- the season and the day itself -- with hurts and pains, hardships and brokenness from the past 358 days.  In some cases, we come to Christmas with wounds from the past 7,160 days -- maybe 21,900 days, you never know.  Some things perhaps we have dealt with, and other things we haven't.  So much is brushed under the rug or stored away in a secret glass jar which no one can touch let alone simply see.  While each individual's story varies at great lengths, I've lived enough (though very little at that) to know one cannot live too many days on this earth without experiencing sorrow.  Any number of days can result in any number of scars.  

We say hurtful, spiteful things to one another.  We act with contempt and arrogance.  We find our value in what others think of us and wind up feeling completely insignificant and insecure.  We allow anger and bitterness to control us.  We scour the world for any possible something that could satisfy our hearts' desires and sooner or later wind up eating from the same trough as the pigs.  We follow our own wishes, seek our own ways, desire our names are made great above all else.  We willingly destroy the bodies and minds we've been given under the guise of, "I just can't help it."  Alcoholism.  Sex.  Porn.  Drugs.  Perfectionism.  Performance.  We want what we want, when we want it, how we want it.  "My will be done," my life often seems to convey.  We vie for attention and recognition, and we're frustrated and confused when all that we sought wasn't quite what we'd hoped it would be.

Others say hurtful things to us.  Not only do others say hurtful things, sadly some people do very hurtful things.  The world hurtful doesn't even come close to depicting the depth of some of these deep-rooted wounds.  Physical abuse.  Verbal abuse.  Sexual abuse.  Rape.  Genocide.  Murder.  Neglect.  My heart breaks as the list goes on and on.  As if the brokenness we experience in our relationships isn't enough, we experience brokenness in our circumstances.  Unemployment.  Divorce.  Death.  Suffering.  Homelessness.  Hunger.  Cancer.  AIDS.  Poverty.  Terrorism.

Yet I still want to put on my favorite shade of red lipstick (Burt's Bees Rasin), my classiest set of pearl earrings, a brand new sparkly dress, and act like everything's "better than fine -- perfect, in fact.  I live in the Leave-it-to-Beaver house everyone wants.  I go to church every Sunday.  Yes, I have problems, but they don't affect me.  I make casseroles like Martha Stewart, workout with Jillian Michaels, lead like Margaret Thatcher, and serve like Mother Teresa.  And you know what, I'm married to a guy who looks like Ryan Gosling, works like J.P. Morgan, and lives just like Christ."

Again I picture the elderly couple -- they're holding back the laughter.

We know that isn't reality.

But gosh dangit, why is that so hard to come to terms with?  I know it's not the reality, but I want it to be.  I want to be fine.  I want to shut everything that's ever gone wrong in my life or the world around me in a cedar chest, stick it in the attic, take a deep breath for composure, and head downstairs to host the loveliest Christmas dinner the fam has ever seen.  But it just doesn't work like that.  I've tried, though it seems there isn't a big enough chest for the long haul.

Now I don't want to generalize because I have no idea where ya'll are at, but if I'm honest with myself, my frustration and heavy-heartedness aren't particularly rooted so much in the world's lack of perfection but in my neediness.  I'm so often heavy-hearted because I'm so needy, yet I'm so quick to deny my need.  "If I admit I need help with one thing, I might realize I need a lot more help than I thought, and I don't need help.  I don't need anything or anyone.  I'm self-sufficient, driven, and determined.  I'm fine."  False.  I'm in deep need.

As I am willing to admit my need, surprisingly the very thing I thought would constrain me, sets me free.  "Lord, I'm a mess.  I am weary and broken and sinful.  I'm so sinful.  I have broken countless times either the letter or the spirit of every one of God's Ten Commandments.  I am so often fearful, self-seeking, prideful, arrogant, rude, angry, bitter, selfish, selfish, and oh-so selfish.  I've been hurt by others, and I've inflicted hurt to others in my insensitivity and -- "

It's almost as if He stops me right there and takes me back to the field...

"And the angel said to them, 'Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.'"

And all of the sudden, everything else seems to fade further into the distance.  The sin, the pain, the suffering, the heartbreak and brokenness, they're all still there, but they're no longer at the forefront of my mind because He is here.  Jesus has come.  Our loving, faithful Father has provided an answer to all of the questions and problems and lies we've ever believed.  

Jesus.  

Though we were sinful, He came.  Though He knew we would mock and reject and disdain Him, He came.  Though He knew we would inflict pain upon Him to the point of death, He came.  In His deep, unfathomable love and grace, He came willingly.  

He came for us.  

Jesus came that we might know that when the Bible says God has loved us with an everlasting love, we can believe every word.  We can trust that God loves us more than we could ever imagine because He was willing to give up what was most precious to Him for the lousiest of the lousiest group of scoundrels.  Jesus came so we could know God and experience relationship with Him in the way He intended.

But the story doesn't end there.  With humility, obedience, and victory, Jesus came and lived the perfect life we never could.  He was fully man and fully God.  He never sinned, even though He was tempted by Satan himself.  Jesus genuinely loved people with His whole heart.  He always put His Father first, always thought of others before Himself, and was perfect in every way.  

Yet, He took our place.  It’s this idea of substitutionary sacrifice.  We're sinful, and the God says in the Bible that the wages of sin is death.  So that's the way it goes.  We deserve to die.  

But though we deserved to die, Jesus took on the punishment for our sin on the cross and bore the very wrath of God for us, so we wouldn't have to because He loves us.  We don't have to be perfect because Christ has been perfect on our behalf.  We are able to confess our neediness, and He meets us right where we are -- always -- because He didn’t just die.  Jesus died and rose from death. And in His resurrection lies the entire basis of our faith. He defeated sin and death and was triumphant. And if we confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised him from the dead, we are SAVED.  We have salvation -- the promise of life with God forever and ever and ever and ever.

As if that isn't incredible enough...!  Through trusting Christ, God has given us not only salvation, but He has flooded our hearts with His light.  He has made us new and adopted us into His family, where we have become sons and daughters of the Most High King.  He has given us the Holy Spirit to live within us, to assure our hearts that we are never, ever, ever, ever, ever alone.

 All the grace, all the forgiveness, all the redemption, all the security, all the comfort, all the peace, all the joy, all the stability, all the hope we could ever need and more is found in Christ.  God has provided for us in Christ everything.  We don't have to stuff all of our pain and sorrow and sin into our cedar chests and throw them in the attic, because Jesus identifies with us in our weakness.  He understands the depth of brokenness in our world because He experienced it Himself.  Our circumstances will constantly be in flux, but He will never change.  He is our constant.  In Him, we always find rest for our weary, hurting souls.

Because Jesus came, died, and rose again, we are forgiven and redeemed.  Our sins are washed white as snow.  We are made new, and God has given us the perfect big brother who never leaves, always protects, always provides, always encourages, always sacrifices, always serves, always saves, always teaches,  and always loves.  Christ has committed to sanctifying us and preparing us for our home in heaven until we greet Him at the pearly gates.  

Jesus told us the truth that in this life, we will experience trouble and sorrow, but to take heart, for He has overcome the world. Though we will continue to experience hurt and sin in the world, we now always have reason for deep, abundant joy!  Furthermore, He promised that there will be a day when all the bad things will come undone.  He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and death will be no more.  Neither will there by any mourning, nor crying, nor pain any more, for the former things will pass away.  For He is making all things new.

To think it all began in a manger...!

Turn on some Christmas carols, deck the halls with boughs of holly, sing sweet Silent Night because our Savior has been born -- Christ the Lord!  We were lost, but now we're found.  We were blind, but now we see.  Thank you, Lord, for the best gift we could ever receive.

Praying your holiday season is full of Jesus.

Take heart.  He's here.  He loves you.

For the People Like Me

happy tuesday, homies:)  I hope you're reading this having had an enjoyable week thus far -- maybe you're still snuggled up in your jammerz (jealous) or chillin' out max and relaxin' all cool ... shooting some bball outside of the school.  If yall are like me, a week ago today marked the beginning of the last semester of my college experience.  Not gonna lie -- I hate it.  I pretty much freakin' love college.  The University of Oklahoma has been pretty dang good to me.  Praise be to God!  It has been a crazy past three and a half years, but every second of it has taught me SO much.  

I'll stop there, but I can imagine you saw where that was headed -- walk down Memory Lane...  So I've been a bit sentimental/nostalgic lately...  I can't deny it.  Maybe you know how it goes...  I suppose it tends to be this way at every major "junction" in life.  You're finally taking some deep breaths and getting settled in when you realize your current road is coming to an end and you have to pick a new one.  It can be a little overwhelming, but as I said, such is life.  Good thing we're in it together.  Nonetheless, over Christmas Break, I was so lucky to venture to our nation's capitol with a few of my amigas to explore my future home for the next two years come June!  

It was so fun and exciting but also a little bit scary.  The east coast is just a little different, and let's be real, I am just an Oklahomie through and through.  I LOVE this state.  I love my family.  I love Johnnie's and the North and South Oval and walking around Lake Hefner with my mommy in the summertime, baking with my sissy in the winter, and playing tennis with my daddio in the spring.  I love having a church and a CVS on every street corner.  I love wide open spaces -- room to make your big mistakes, eh?  I love seeing the people who are so near and dear to my heart on a daily basis and sharing life with the best community on planet earth.  Oklahoma ROCKS.

All that being said, the Lord taught me some seriously life-changing things while I was in DC over the course of a mere four-ish days.  It's funny how you can just be walking along some big city street with tons of people around when the Holy Spirit snaps you back to reality -- ooh there goes gravity -- and everything seems to suddenly shift back into perspective.  

Here's how it all went down.  So as I said, I'm walking along Pennsylvania Avenue with Claire and LJ when I began thinking to myself, "Man, I wish DC was bigger," and "I wish I was going to be making more money and I could live in a nicer part of town," and "This is going to be so much harder than I thought it was going to be.  I'm not going to have any friends. Dangit, I'm never going to be successful."

Yep, it's true.  It's laaaame.  It's disgusting.  But it's real.  I really thought those things.  Instead of rejoicing over where the Lord placed me and all the ways He was affirming me in how I am supposed to be there, I started thinking, "Nope, this just really isn't what I expected.  This isn't really good enough for me."

But about that time, the Holy Spirit stopped me dead in my tracks.  Even recalling it this very second, I have chills all over my body.

"Cait," the quiet voice whispered,  "Thaaatt isn't what life is about at all."

>>Lemme just say, God is soooooooo gentle with us.  Sometimes I deserve a serious shake and firm stare-down directly from the heavens above, but He comes beside me gently and lovingly reminds me of the truth.<<

In that moment as the Holy Spirit and I were having a serious heart-to-heart, I realized that it seems so glamorous to move to some big city and work for a cool, hip corporation or organization joined with a social movement.  And know I'm not in any way trying to diminish the need or necessity for such organizations because they are so awesome and doing INCREDIBLE things for the people of our nation and world alike.  But when I'm honest with myself, I know some of my motives for wanting to be a part of Teach for America and move to Washington, DC were selfish, in that it's a big city and cool, and as I said, seems somewhat glamorous, I suppose.  But here's the reality...  

It's something we all know, something we've heard thousands of times, I'm sure, but until you really wrestle with it, until you really REALIZE how much your sinful nature desires the things of this world... whoaaa baby.

It doesn't matter where you live.  It doesn't matter what you're doing or how many friends you have or what kind of car you drive.  It doesn't matter how much money is in your bank account or what shoes you have on your feet.  Heck, when it comes down to it, it doesn't really particularly matter all that much in the long run whether you wear shoes or not at all.  It doesn't matter how many nick-knacks you have lying on your shelves or how many miles you can run or how many beers you can down or how many countries you've been to or how many people you've shared Jesus with.  It doesn't matter what you look like or who likes you or  whether your married or single or listed as "in a relationship" on the good, ole' FB.

Unless you seek to satisfied by Jesus Christ alone... 

You'll always be left wanting more.

It's a truth that literally almost brings me to tears.  And in this battle between our flesh and the Spirit inside of us, we are often times our own worst enemies.  Gosh, I don't know what it is for you.  I don't know if it's money or how much you weigh or your level of academic achievement or success or awards or sex or people or accomplishments... The things of this world are so fleeting and so unsatisfactory that none of them will ever fully satisfy us.  Maybe they will for a little while.  But not forever. 

So I guess life's rough and sometimes sucks and you'll never be fully satisfied, so what's the point?

the end 

see ya never

have a good night?

no stinkin' way

and PTL for that!

That's not the end of the story... And truly PRAISE the LORD it's not because that would be mayyyybeeee the ickiest story ever.  But that isn't the story we've been invited to share in -- that's not why we were created or how we were created or what we were created for.  Deep breaths, everyone.  Think soothing thoughts.

whew.

I don't know where you are in your life.  I can't say where your heart is or what you're struggling with.  And honestly, some of you might not even know yourselves.  Sometimes we don't really fully understand the things we're going through or how they're affecting us emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  But I want you to ask yourself these questions...

Did you ever think that attaining a certain goal would make you happier?

Have you ever thought that once you get married, life will be good to go?

You won't desire anything anymore?

Or if you could just make X amount of money, life would be so much easier?

Or if you only had more friends, that's when life would really be great...

Or maybe if you could just overcome these obstacles... 

Gosh, if you only looked like her... 

Or if you could just forget about the pain of my past... 

If you could only move on...

THEN!!! FINALLY!!!! 

happily ever after would come to life.

Life would be full of peonies, puppies, and pretty/little hearts.

Okay, so I assume most of us know that isn't the reality...

But at one point or another, I have said yes to many of these questions and soooo many more.  And to some extent these things are good.  It is so great to set goals and dream big dreams and want to move on from hurts and pains of the past.  It's okay to collect nick-knacks and get married and make money!  But when those things become what our eyes our fixed upon, the things we hope for and desire, they won't ever make the cut.  In fact, I'm convinced, the more we get, the more we'll want.  It's an ongoing, unending cycle and honestly can be pretty tough to get out of sometimes.

But COOLEST PART...  We were created with desires.  We were CREATED TO DESIRE.  We were created to seek comfort and joy and satisfaction and hope and love and peace.  We were CREATED to desire those things.  In fact, we were created to NEED these things.  We can't fully function in the way we were designed to function without them.  But contrary to popular belief, no amount of yoga will ever fulfill my need for peace.  I can't wait to be married and have a family one day, but my husband and children will never completely satisfy my need for love and affection and joy and comfort.  I won't be able to fully satisfy them either -- and PTL for that -- what a freeing truth and reason #59283410983 why Jesus MUST be the center of all relationships.

We were created to need and desire these things because there is something that can fulfill them.

It's Jesus.

JESUS!!!!

Jesus knows everything.  He knows our hurts.  He knows our failures.  He knows what we look to and go to, hoping that we find satisfaction or fulfillment.  He KNOWS.  And He offers us living water anyway.  He knows that nothing we look to will satisfy us, but He knows HE CAN and HE WILL.  That doesn't mean that there won't be times you still sin or fail or desire the things of this world -- we're human.  But with Jesus, we can walk into situations of unrest and have peace.  We can live in a world void of love and be loved by our heavenly Father -- our AbbaDaddy, as I like to call Him.  In a world where we cannot produce joy or hope on our own, JESUS produces a joy within us and gives us hope that none can surpass.  

Wherever you are, whatever you're going through, whatever you've been through, there is HOPE in finding fulfillment.  THERE IS HOPE in a broken and decaying world.  THERE IS LOVE and GRACE and MERCY and JOY and PEACE and KINDNESS.  There is LIGHT in the darkness.  But the only light, love, joy, peace, and hope that will last forever...  is Jesus.  

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.  If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud.  Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing." -CS Lewis

Glory, glory, glory to God in the highest for accepting us no matter what, for loving us no matter what, for calling us His children and never giving up on us.  Glory to God for allowing us to feel desire that we might also experience that desire being fulfilled.

We love you, Lord, and may we look to you for fulfillment and satisfaction, believing you alone will satisfy.

For the Satisfied and Unsatisfied Alike

On this absolutely BEAUTIFUL Sunday evening, from blue skies to green trees to fresh water, there is so much to PTL (praise the Lord) for.  Praise the Lord for feet on which I love to skip and dance and play and frolic!  PTL for alarm clocks, coffee makers, the new Bagel Cafe, OU football, and Pilot G-2 05 pens.  PTL for friends -- friends whom I don't deserve because they're too good to me and love me like Jesus does, even when I'm selfish and inconsiderate and a tearful mess.  PTL for running buddies and finding lost things.  PTL for Kathleen Kelly and Joe Foxx, who never fail to make my heart flutter with joy.

PTL for marriage -- my best friend got engaged last week!  I could not be more excited for her and Stephen.  I'm so lucky to be their friends.

Aren't they the cutest?  They might hate me for that, but it's okay.  I am so lucky to call them both two of my best friends.  They are both so wise and genuine and truly live Gospel-centered lives.  I couldn't be happier for them!  I know the Lord is going to bless them so much, and SO many people are going to see what Christ's sacrificial love looks like through the way Stephen and Megan love each other.  I know He's going to use them to do INCREDIBLE things for the Kingdom, and I'm so lucky to witness it!

The list of PTLs could go on and on -- and it does forever and always.  But ultimately on this pretty day of September, what I want to give so much praise to the Lord for, is that even when I am so honest about my sin and brokenness, He loves me.  Even when my values are completely out-of-whack, and I put my hope and try to find satisfaction in people or ideas or the approval of others, He loves me.

ohhhh satisfaction.

The Rolling Stones were right.  I can't get no-ne of it -- unless I'm looking to find it in the soul source of satisfaction, which is the Lord.  Now I'm not sure they were particularly meaning to point to the truth that no matter where we look for satisfaction in life, we never find it.  But they were pointing to that truth!  (I feel like maybe I should Google the meanings of those lyrics and make sure they weren't referring to sexual satisfaction or something, as that would be somewhat mortifying.  But if so, forgive me because I'm just a sheltered, little munchkin who has lots to learn about the ways of the world...)

Whoa okay, that got a little racy there for a bit!  Nonetheless, the Lord has been teaching me so much recently about the idea that we can't be satisfied in Him until we not only know but believe He is enough and ALLOW Him to satisfy us.

Honestly, it can be rather difficult to let all that we are wait patiently before the Lord, placing our hope completely in Him because that means that we have to relinquish our firm grip on our lives and trust that the Lord has our best interest at heart -- no matter what.  In Matthew 5, Jesus is teaching about the ways of the world.  Over and over again, He says, "The world says this, but I say this..."  Whereas the world tells us that things and people and awards and honors and accolades will satisfy us, Jesus says ...

"I AM ENOUGH not only because of WHO I AM but because of who you are in relation to me."

I think that when we begin to understand the magnitude of the Lord's love for us as His children, we cannot help but realize that He is the real deal.  Despite our sinfulness and brokenness and hard-heartedness, He looks at us and sees His precious children whom He loves SO much that He was willing to die for us -- literally.  No matter how we perceive ourselves, this is how the Lord sees us...

He delights in our beauty.  He knows every detail about our lives, our thoughts, our hearts.  He lives among us.  He rejoices over us.  He calms our fears.  He gives us peace.  He is love.  He is trustworthy.  No one can snatch us out of His hands.   He is patient.  He heals.  He is all-powerful and all-knowing.  He is our Father, who loves us unconditionally, is slow to anger and quick to forgive.  All of creation REVEALS His name and His glory.  He looks at us and sees His precious little munchkins, who are honored and precious to Him.

Most precious baby everrrrr.  

I cannot wait to be a mommyyyy -- can but can't, you know what I'm sayin?!

I digress, but even more than that, He is a man of His word.  I so value an individual's word, and the Lord fulfills His promises -- every time.  Not only that, but His words and actions are one in the same.  And we know this because throughout Jesus' ministry, He spoke of forgiveness and unconditional love and sacrificing one's own desires that the will of His Father might be done.  And then, in His great love for us, Jesus was brutally killed.  It is written that, "Even as we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  He died for the very people who spoke against His name, who spoke against His truth, who denied the validity of His power and truth. 

I'm a huge Friends fan, and there is an episode, in which my good, ole' bestie Phoebe tries to prove that there IS such a thing as a completely selfless good deed.

It's hilarious and without trying to reveals so much about human nature that often times the good things we do are to be known and noticed by others and bring glory to ourselves.  Now I think there can be selfless good deeds at times, but the ultimate selfless good deed was done by the only truly selfless man who ever lived.

And when we begin to understand that JESUS -- perfect, selfless Jesus, died so that we -- selfish, sinful, humans might have life and life abundantly -- I think we will begin to understand why He is the only true source of satisfaction.  We can spend every day searching for love and comfort and peace and hope and grace and truth in all these different avenues, but ultimately there is only one true source for each one of these things -- they all come from Him alone.  And maybe you can look to people or things or approval and be satisfied in them for a little while, but I promise -- I know from personal experience -- eventually all of those things fade and only leave you wanting more.

John 4 tells the story of the woman at the well.  It's one of my favorite stories because it's a reflection of myself.  While I haven't been married five times, nor have I ever even been married for that matter, it's a story of a woman who is looking for life and satisfaction in people who will never fully satisfy.  But Jesus comes to her and speaks to her, knowing every detail about her past and insecurities and faults and failures.  And He offers her living water -- a cup that will overflow forever.  

That's not to say that Jesus offers her a life that will always be easy, but it does mean that in all situations, in every circumstance, when we look to Jesus as for satisfaction, He will never disappoint, for He cannot deny who He is.  And everything else in life, relationships or hobbies or whatever else we find joy in, just cause our cups to overflow that much more!  Praise be to the Lord.

"For the Lord has been good to us, 

and we are filled with JOY!" -Psalm 126:3

Thank you, Jesus, for loving us and accepting us despite our tendency toward selfishness.  Thank you for forgiving us even when we speak your truth with our lips and deny you with our actions.  Thank you for dying on the cross, that we might have the Holy Spirit live inside of us and be connected to the ultimate, true source of joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control -- for always and forever.  You're the coolest.  We're so undeserving of your great love for us.

For the Awkward

Let's all just take a few minutes and reflect on our awkward stage(s) -- for those of us who were "fortunate" enough to endure the awkward years in multiple go-rounds.  It's nothing to be ashamed of though.  We all went through that period in our lives.  For most individuals in my generation, the awkward years came around middle school, just before boys transitioned from cute to hott (two t's.. yep..), Britney went toxic, and life became ever so complicated.  They were the lucky ones.

The most awkward of my awkward stages didn't really begin until high school -- when we expressed ourselves via xanga (mortifying, I know), made kissing faces at the camera (embarrassing), and tried to get our flirt on via AIM and/or texting (alert -- that article is real -- I'm dying...).  Yeah, I was really cool...  It was great...

Thus throughout high school, awkward triumphed time and time again.  Like any other seemingly evil power though, good is the ultimate victor, and by senior year, I had slowly begun to emerge from the days of braces, acne, and running away at the sight of a cute boy -- though that last awkward tendency does still occasionally creep up on me every once and a while.

Obviously there are still moments in which I am probably incredibly awkward, but I no longer feel awkward every mili-second of every day as was the case in high school.

Perhaps that is partly due to maturity increase with age, but most of it, I think, is simply learning to be at peace with who you are -- more than that even -- learning to rejoice for who you have been created to be!  One of my favorite quotes was written by Rob Bell, who I know is rather controversial, but this little snippet of his writings is, in my opinion, some serious truth.

*

"You can't be connected with God until you're at peace with who you are.  If you're still upset that God gave you this body or this life or this family or these circumstances, you will never be able to connect with God in a healthy, thriving, sustainable sort of way.  You'll be at odds with your maker.  And if you can't come to terms with the life you've been given, you'll never be able to accept others and how they were made and the lives they've been given.  And until you're at peace with God and those around you, you will continue to struggle with your role on the planet, your part to play in the universe."


*

AMEN, brother.  Seriously.

I could be totally wrong here, but it's my hunch, that we go through the awkward years to teach us to appreciate the sane ones.  And more than that, the awkward years teach us how to appreciate an individual not for his or her outer appearance, but for his or her heart.  If we learn from what those years taught us, we learn that everyone feels self-conscious about something.  Everyone wants to be liked -- even if they act like they don't care.  Everyone wants to be a part of something.  Basically, everyone just wants to be accepted.

In my opinion, awkwardness is almost completely about perception.  Our own awkwardness, while it may effect our speech or the way we present ourselves, is rooted in the way we perceive ourselves.  How we perceive ourselves is often then how we present ourselves to others.  If we perceive ourselves to be awkward, we will probably be awkward around other people -- thus making them feel awkward too.  But if we perceive ourselves as "accepted" than we will be accepting around others -- thus making them feel accepted, as well.

I think for believers of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, acceptance is one of the most crucial elements of the faith.  It is written that believers of Christ will be known by their love for others.  How can you possibly love someone if you cannot accept him or her -- as he or she is?  You can't.  And as it is mentioned in the quote by Rob Bell, it is very challenging to fully accept another individual if you cannot accept yourself.

I write about this a lot, but the uniqueness of every individual is one of the most precious parts of life.  Each one of my friends is so special and different, and I love that about them.  They wouldn't be the people I love if they were all the same.

Maybe you grew up drinking your coffee black.  Maybe you're an early morning riser.  Or maybe you wake up every morning and put on a pair of rose-colored glasses through which you see the world.  Maybe you have every word of every episode of FRIENDS memorized.  Or perhaps you're more of a James Bond buff.  Maybe you can't wait to grow up and move to the Middle East.  Maybe you have a seemingly slightly obscure obsession with spiders.  Maybe you've dreamt your whole life of joining the AARP and getting senior citizen discounts and early bird specials. It's possible.

Heck, I'm obsessed with learning and education and literacy and other cultures and photography.  I love to frolic and spin in circles until I feel like I'm going to throw up.  I sing all the time, and I can't carry a tune to save my life.  I love watching CNN and HGTV, and I watch You've Got Mail every night before I go to bed.  I talk to myself.  I write fictional short stories -- often times pretending I'm the main character.  Some girls my age want David Yurman jewelry for their birthdays and Christmas.  I want a puppy, a hammock, a book, Modern Family on DVD, and some new coffee mugs.  My idea of a perfect date wouldn't be some fancy dinner and a movie but a just a simple picnic in a park with pb&j and maybe some hazelnut coffee -- as long as we got to swing afterward.

I'm kidding.  I was actually referring more to a swing set.  But hey, I love to dance too!  When I had a bit too much to drink on my 21st birthday, I started conjugating verbs in Spanish.  I love researching for research papers.  I teach the kids I babysit about weird things like the importance of getting good gas mileage and to love and respect other cultures.  I read at least four story books aloud to them every day.  (And when I say them, I mean her... And she's two months old... So... I don't really know how much of it she actually comprehends...)  I'm the weirdest!  But I'm totally okay with it.

I know though that my peace about who I am and where I am in life is rooted only in the fact that I know I am accepted and loved by Jesus Christ.  Even though I often times desire to be liked by others, when the day is done, no one's opinion matters but the opinion of Jesus.  He knows everything about me and loves me JUST THE SAME.  More than that, I believe we were all created with very specific likes and dislikes for a very important purpose.

He created us -- every detail about us.  He knows us by name.  He loves us -- unconditionally, forevermore.  I've said this before, but I say it again because I believe it whole-heartedly -- May we never confuse our own perceptions of ourselves with the truth that we are accepted.

Jesus wants to wrap us up tightly in his arms every single day.  He wants to be the first thing we think of when we wake up and the last word on our lips as we fall fast asleep.  We cannot even begin to imagine the extent to which He loves us.

My first summer working as a counselor at Kanakuk, a young girl stood up on the last night of the term to say what she had learned.  With tears in her eyes, she said, "Before coming to kamp, I felt like I wasn't good enough to be loved.  I thought there was no way I would never get married because I wasn't pretty enough or smart enough or skinny enough or nice enough.  But I've learned that it doesn't matter what I think about myself, I AM LOVED."

I quickly felt tears welling up in my eyes.  I too had felt the same way.  I had believed the lie that because I was too awkward, too weird, not pretty enough, not cool enough, no boy would ever fall in love with me.  I was broken by her words because hearing them come from someone else, I realized how big the lies were that I had believed.  Not only had I believed the lies, but I had claimed them over my life.  Because I hadn't ever had a boyfriend, I had allowed myself to believe that there was something wrong with me -- that my relationship with Christ wasn't pure enough, that I had done something wrong, that there must have been something utterly repulsive about me.

It wasn't true, but I had begun to live my life as though it was true.

Our perceptions of ourselves will never be equivalent with how the Lord views us.  However awkward we may feel, we are loved -- dearly loved.  When we let go of our own perceptions of ourselves and embrace the truth that we are accepted, we will begin to liberate others, as well.  People love to be around others who know they are loved unconditionally because when an individual knows he or she is loved without reservation, he or she knows often knows the love is undeserved, but it lasts forever.

None of us deserve the love that was exhibited to us on the cross or the unconditional love Jesus continues to pour upon us daily... But he loves us for exactly who we are -- despite all of our faults, failures, mistakes, hardships, overwhelming brokenness, meanness, hatred, pride, fear, anxiety, doubt, anger, He forgives us, accepts us, and seals us with kiss, marking us by a love that will never wither or fade.

"Jesus saw me, broken and battered, and said, 'I want her.  I pick her.  She is the one for me.'"

So put on your favorite Hillary Duff CD.  Cut off a new pair of jorts.  Recite the Preamble to the Constitution however many times you want.  Finger-paint.  Write a book!  RUN THROUGH THE SPRINKLERS -- as long as you aren't wearing white.  Shout praises to Jesus as loud as you can!  Live LIFE FREELY because you are accepted, forgiven and LOVED.